Self-defeating Vanilla Cheesecake

A picture of a cheesecake made with a different recipe and nicer ingredients...

Makes enough to kill 6-8 diabetics

Ingredients:

500g cream cheese
200ml double cream
120g digestive biscuits
100g icing sugar
50g demerara sugar
50g butter
1 teaspoon vanilla essence
1 resealable plastic food bag

They say revenge is sweet. They also say it's a dish best served cold. So, revenge is a cheesecake. With logic like this powering your self-defeat, you'll soon be obsessively eating and crying into this very tasty confection.

Place the biscuits in the bag to suffocate alone. I won't beat about the bush; you're going to smash them to bits. No need for a rolling pin. Use something heavy and blunt. Try to choose something that would do serious damage to a sleeping skull. That big jar of bolognese sauce feels good in the hand, doesn't it? Place the bag containing the unconscious biscuits on a folded towel to muffle the blows, then FORCE the jar down, smashing into the bag again and again and AGAIN! Work the jar into into the carnage, crushing the remaining life out of the biscuits. SCREAM into the void, finally giving voice to all those years of anger and hurt and pain and loss. 

Continue until the fat woman next door sends her thin, speccy husband round to nervously check everything's OK.

Melt the butter in a pan, then pour it into a bowl containing the dead biscuits and the demerara sugar. Thoroughly mix the ingredients, then spread this surprisingly dry concretion into the bottom of a cake tin or deep baking tray. Pat the biscuit base down neatly with a tablespoon, as if burying incriminating documents in a municipal flowerbed. Place the tray in the refrigerator to set.

If you have a handheld electric whisk, then whipping the cream will be easy. Before you begin, simply wash the dried cake mix off the whisks from the last time to prevent food poisoning. If all you have is a hand whisk, then wash the dried egg from the last time you made an omelette to prevent food poisoning. Whip the cream until it stiffens and fakes its own death just to make the beating stop.

Spoon all that cream cheese into the bowl, and follow it with the vanilla essence and icing sugar. On no account should you chop out a line of icing sugar and photograph yourself comically “snorting” it. No one thinks you're clever or witty. No one. Cream the ingredients into a thick paste, with no regard for introductions, class or good taste. 

The base will be set by now, so spread the topping onto it and smooth it out. Ideally, you'll do this with a proper spatula or a tablespoon, and not the loyalty card you used in your hilarious "snorting" selfie.

Try to refrigerate the cake for about an hour before digging in and realising this is actually an amazing cheesecake. Maybe things aren't so bad after all. Throw some ideas around, Google how much different parts of your professions earn, and realise you're actually just a couple of distance learning courses from a better, more secure future.

Then return to just spooning it in, mouthful after mouthful, until you feel sick.