Cynical Stir Fry Chicken

Not actual food

Serves four, or five if they've brought Marjorie and you get that Vienetta out of the freezer.

Ingredients:

4 chicken breast fillets
350g fragrant Thai rice
1 egg white
1 tbsp cornflour, plus 1 tsp extra
A thumb-sized knob of root ginger
1 red pepper
1 shallot
1 garlic clove
1 tbsp vegetable oil
1 tbsp fish sauce
The juice 1 lime
A handful basil leaves

Ensure the chicken understands it is to be eaten. Its fate is already sealed, and no further protest will be heard. Do this by cutting the pieces small enough to choke a child of 7 or 8 years of age. Be firm with the chicken: declare its protests moot, and remember that the butcher with the warmest heart uses the sharpest knife. Act quickly and decisively. Do it now.

Select a large mixing bowl. For preference, it should be white and clinical, like an antiseptic room in which an emotionless doctor might give bad news, or administer an unexpectedly painful procedure.

Place the cornflour gently into the bowl, and attempt to introduce the egg. When the egg refuses, smash its shell violently and assert your will by dropping just the white into the cornflour. The yolk? In the bin for its insolence! Savagely beat what’s left into the cornflour, while screaming, “We’re all in this together!”

By now, the chicken will have spent enough time staring at the smooth, ceramic interior of the bowl to realise the full horror of its predicament, so it will be reluctant to play any further part in your plan. Usher it from the chopping board into the bowl using force if needs be, like a guard pushing a prisoner with the muzzle of his machine gun. It all seemed such a remote possibility in training, didn’t it? Guard seemed such a cushy job, well away from the war, but no longer. You took the money and enjoy the respect of the village that comes with a warm overcoat during a hard winter, but now you must act. Remain emotionless as you force the chicken into the bowl. Have a lowly wooden spoon on hand for this, one that knows no better, but be watchful for signs of brutality. After all, we are not monsters!

Depending on your tolerance, marinate this carnage for 15-30 minutes. Leave the bowl in plain sight. Do not place it in the fridge. Chicken is clever and will deliberately spread fear amongst the cornflour and egg in the chilly darkness. In response, they will panic and become stiff, forcing you to throw everything away and inflict more pain than is necessary on a fresh set of victims. This is what the chicken wants, so you must be ready for it. Stupid chicken, you cannot win!

Place the rice in a sieve and subject it to the cold tap until all its beastliness is removed and the water runs clear. Do this more in sadness than anger, and the rice will thank you. Tip the drained rice into a pan with a lid. Pour 600ml of fresh water into the pan and add a pinch of salt. Bring the water to the boil, and then cook the rice uncovered for 10 mins or so. Rice is exhibitionist by nature and needs the water to have almost boiled away until small bubble craters form in order to fully cook. The rice must be punished for its perversion, so cover the pan with a lid, turn the heat down as low as it will go, and cook for 10 mins more. Simply walk away and the rice will find closure in its own time.

But what of the other ingredients?

Ginger is generally naive enough to believe it has been forgotten, so its guard will be down. Disabuse it of that notion by brutally stripping its skin with a blunt teaspoon, like a custody officer stripping a tramp for de-lousing. Before the ginger’s realisation turns to fear (which ruins the taste), finely chop it until you have 1 tbsp to show for your efforts. Show no remorse. Cooking is cooking and we all have to make sacrifices.

Peppers are naturally fatalistic and will submit to their fate without fuss. It’s thought they became this way through countless generations being left on the side of pub salads. Halve the pepper lengthwise, and trim off the stalk, inner pith, and seeds. It will not complain, even when being cut into pieces just large enough to choke a small terrier dog.

Peel the shallot and chop it into pieces small enough to ensure that no one will be choking on shallot today.

Garlic thinks it is an ingredient, not simply something used to bring out the flavours of the real ingredients. For this, the blame must lie squarely at the door of TV chefs, whose egos clearly outweigh the realisation that their breath strips paint. In reality, garlic is the ugly boy band member, there to make the others look good. Play on its ego by carefully slicing it as if you care, while openly laughing at its pretentiousness.

By now, the chicken will have given up all hope of escape and will be ready to tell you want you need to know. But like an experienced torturer, now is the time to appear to show inexplicable mercy. Remove the chicken from the marinade and pat it dry with kitchen paper. Use twice as much kitchen paper as you think you need, and the chicken will not give the marinade a second thought. You may despise the chicken's selfishness at this point, but this risks diminishing you as a person.

Heat an unsuspecting wok and pour in 1 tbsp oil. Drop the chicken into the wok and let it scream for 7-10 mins, tossing it around like we’re all having such jolly fun, until the chicken is just cooked. Set it aside on a friendly plate to rest, but leaving it alert and wondering what comes next. Pour some more oil into the wok. Add the pepper and cook for 1 min, then cook the ginger, shallot and garlic for 1-2 mins more. You’ll have no more trouble from them.

You couldn’t find fish sauce? It’s probably horrible anyway. I mean, fish and chicken? Are you serious? If you really need to know what it tastes like, then you’d better either look up a recipe or buy some. I can’t do everything for you.

Limes, like all other citrus fruits, are the stool pigeons of the fruit world. Cut them, apply a little pressure, and they give up the juice without resistance because they are weak. Catch their secrets in a bowl and add 50ml water and 1 tsp cornflour. Stir this mess, wondering what the hell you’re doing, before tipping what you’ve achieved into the wok. Wake the exhausted chicken and pour it back into the wok. Cook for 1 min.

Maybe the basil has been watching this scene in horror, or maybe it was enjoying it. Either way, there can be no witnesses. Stir several large basil leaves into the mix to solve the problem.

The rice will have finished its perversions by now, and will be relaxed and sleepy. Tip it onto the plate, and add the contents of the wok. Eat the whole thing, while judging your failures against the successes of others.