A Kind of Lasagne

A tasty lasagne, stuffed with lies.

Serves a dinner party of 4, especially if the other couple has clearly had a row in the car and eats in silence.

1 tbsp olive oil

1 onion, diced
500g beef mince
1 tbsp tomato purée
400g tin chopped tomatoes
200ml beef stock
200ml red wine
1 sachet of white sauce mix
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
Lasagne sheets
1 pack mozzarella flakes
Pinch of basil
Pepper to taste

Pasta is available in more shapes than social diseases. There's the long one, the twirly one, the one that looks like a bow tie, that shell thing, letters, and hoops. And the flat sheets, which is what we need here.

Most food is at least capable of succumbing to the inevitability of death. Pasta is almost immortal in comparison. It can survive almost anything but hot water and hammers. Pasta is about ¾ carbohydrate, so unless there's a good medical reason to do otherwise tell whoever you serve with this dish that you used “keto friendly” lasagne sheets. They'll never know the difference, and you'll save some money. Dinner parties: I eschew them.

Right, here goes. Buckle up, because this takes ages and involves too many things. 

Preheat the oven to 180°C (gas mark 6) or 160°C (probably about gas mark 3 - look it up) if the fan still works. Do you ever clean this oven? Let me rephrase that: have you ever cleaned this oven?

Heat the olive oil over a low heat in a big frying pan. As usual, start by chopping the onion and torturing it for about 10 minutes or until the screaming stops.

I've seen a lasagne recipe online that claims you need to add and cook the mince on a medium heat “until golden”. It doesn't go golden, as anyone who's fried mince knows. It goes from red to grey. I don't think anyone ever bothers editing those recipes, let alone trying them. Another example I saw said you should fry raw, sliced carrots “until soft”. That's not even how carrots work. Anyway...

Turn up the heat, add the wine and let it bubble away until it is reduced. Basically, that means until you get bored. You may as well pour yourself a glass of that red. It's not like you're going to be eating lasagne any time soon. You have at least an hour yet, your life sucks, so you may as well get stuck in.

Stir in the tomato purée, the chopped tomatoes, the stock, and the Worcestershire sauce. 

Simmer this sorry state of affairs for 15 mins and use the time to wipe up all the splashes caused by pouring the ingredients into the pan too quickly. Let the contents of the pan contemplate what a waste it has made of its life, then season with slightly too much conciliatory pepper and basil.

Do that thing they do on TV, where the cook gets a spoon and sips the bubbling juices as if this part of the unfinished dish speaks for the whole. If you have long hair, try to get some of it in the pan as you lean forwards. Now swig some of that wine to soothe your burnt tongue.

Distract yourself from the pain by making the white sauce according to the instructions on the packet. Yeah, that's right, it's a packet mix. So what? It's a complete faff to make a white sauce. You're getting the inside track on these things up front, so why won't you share my damned blog and make me rich like some of these other swine with their "lifestyles" and their "media profiles"?

Keep stirring the white sauce until it suddenly goes as sticky as a toddlers nose. If you don't keep stirring, it'll freak out and cling to the bottom of the pan, and the other ingredients will realise you're an amateur.

When everything looks ready, or when the wine makes you hungry enough, assemble the lasagne for cooking in a deep baking dish starting with a third of the meat. Spread it out thinly. Don't worry if it is wet and sloppy because the fluid will boil and cook the pasta sheets when in the oven. The pasta doesn't realise this. Stupid pasta!

Place a layer of lasagne sheets on top of the meat layer, then pour some of the white sauce on top. Repeat this process and make sure you end up with a layer of white sauce on top. Top off the dish with the mozzarella flakes.

Pictures of lasagne in magazines make it look nice and neat when it comes out of the oven. This is a lie, so place the dish on a layer of foil because it WILL bubble over. Bake for 45 mins.

The cheese will quickly relax, spread out and start to brown. It will look like it's cooked. DO NOT BE FOOLED! Mozzarella lies like Donald Trump with a difficult question. Leave it in the oven for the full 45 minutes, otherwise the pasta will be chewy and you'll blame me. It's not my fault you can't follow instructions.

Serve immediately for the authentic burned mouth feel you only get with molten cheese.